Breaking Automotive News!

December 27, 2012

Acura- The upcoming NSX means Acura will finally again offer something beyond overpaying for Civic and Accord derivatives.  Auto press to call this “revolutionary”.

Alfa-Romeo- 2013 becomes the next “maybe…but no” year for Alfisti in the USA.

Audi- The company celebrates their new status as the Car and Driver “win every comparo” marque, unseating BMW.  Readers welcome the change with a new slew of accusations.

Bentley- Found a way to make a turbo V8 cost less, yet go more quickly than the same model which has a bigger motor with more cylinders.  We’re sure this is progress, somehow.

BMW- Reviews of the 5 and 7 series essentially state that BMW has lost its place of leadership in sport sedans…which might be the only real “Change” seen since 2008.

Buick- In an attempt to lure buyers that aren’t actually dying yet, the company continues to put star athletes in a restyled Chevy Cruze.

Cadillac- GM’s luxury division sets its sights on BMW’s 3-series, but this time doesn’t bring a Cavalier to a car fight.  Signs are promising.

Chevrolet- The new Corvette is set to debut, leading to new questions of how GM will screw up the interior THIS time.

Chrysler- FIAT’s American luxury arm is reportedly looking at offering the 300 with a smaller, turbo engine that’s faster than the current HEMI model…because if Bentley did it…..

Dodge- In the latest effort to draw attention to its own trucks, Sam Elliott challenges Denis Leary to a showdown outside the Coors Brewing Plant.

Ferrari- The upcoming Enzo successor, the F70, will reportedly be the first hybrid from the Maranello company…as well as the first hybrid to average less than 20 mpg.

Ford-With fresh sheetmetal and powertrains doing very well in the market, Ford responds to criticism of its MFT system by making it available in more models.  I hope I made that up.

 

GMC- The “Chevy that’s not” brand looks forward to the new full-size trucks debuting at NAIAS, with external improvements like HID headlights and…that seems to be it.

 

Honda- Honda just revamped the Civic, as the outgoing model did badly in compa…wait, didn’t I write this last time?

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Hummer- A pleasant thought, but a dead brand.

 

Hyundai- Hard at work creating a Jeff Bridges-voiced “Hyundai Lawsuit Sales Event” ad campaign.

Infiniti- I joked last time that I wasn’t sure this division still existed.  I’m not joking anymore, does it still exist?  What?  As a Red Bull sponsor?

 

Jaguar- Is finally giving us the sports car we’ve asked for since the last one went away during the Ford Administration.  In other words, they’re ahead of British Carmaker Schedule.

 

Jeep- Puts rear doors on Wranglers, has sold the hell out of them for the last couple of years.  Think anyone from the AMC days is kicking themselves?

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Kia- The “Handsome Hyundais and Hamsters” brand looks at wooing the Bible-Belt audience, re-hiring Motley Crue to perform “Shout at the Devil” in the next commercial.

 

Lamborghini- When asked why the ergonomics in their vehicles remain difficult, they reply that the “comfortable cabins all go to Audi”.

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Land Rover- The Evoque showed the new styling direction for the brand, while the next Defender must show essentially no styling progress since 1968…or it won’t be bought.

 

Lexus- The “Relentless Pursuit of Perfection” brand is quietly trying to settle legal action, this time accusing them of stealing their new front-end styling from the “Predator” movie monsters.

 

Lincoln- Ford’s luxury marque debuts the new MKZ, which brings elegant bodywork and swooping lines finished with the ass-end of a 1970 Torino GT.  The real punchline is that it’s universally hailed as the “best view of the car”.

 

Mazda- The 2014 Mazda 6 sits on dealer lots, because they can’t sell a “2014” until 2013 even though they were delivered to dealers in 2012.  Time for a second 32-oz boilermaker.

 

Mercedes-Benz- After recent reviews on BBC’s “Top Gear”, all AMG products come with 3 complimentary sets of spare rear tires.

 

Mercury- Those of us that remember the great Capris, Cougars, Montegos, and Marauders will be avenged.  Oh, yes.

 

Mini- BMW’s subcompact specialists spent a fortune on advertising the fact that 4-door Minis exist.  Like Robert Plant said, “…and it makes me wonder…”

 

Mitsubishi- This marque, basically doomed in the US, fights for its survival by introducing an ugly, underpowered, low-profit subcompact.  Gee, wonder why they’re failing?

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Nissan- Now that the Altima, Maxima, and Sentra all are basically styled the same, concerns for the 370Z mount dramatically.

Porsche- The new Boxster is likely the best-driving car in the freakin’ universe.  This is another headline I get to cut-and-paste every few years.

 

Saab- Designed from planes, maligned by GM, stymied by product, doomed sooner rather than later.

 

Scion- The Toyobaru sports car finally makes the “youth” brand worthwhile…but insurance costs on said car will likely be more than most youth can afford.

 

Smart- Stupid.

 

Subaru- Am I the only one that misses them being weird?

 

Suzuki- (ding ding ding) BRING OUT YOUR DEAD1 (ding ding ding)

 

Toyota- The brand so often associated with quality has had years of monstrous recalls, and is looking at over a billion dollars lost over what they insist are faulty floor mats.  Yeah, some of us are kinda smug right now.

Volkswagen- So, the Golf-which had originally spawned the Jetta-is now upmarket from the Jetta, despite being smaller.  Everyone got that?

 

Volvo- The Swedes descend from Vikings.  The Chinese owners, from the Khans.  Potential 2-fronted global takeover?  We’ll have to wait and see.

Commercials Interpreted

December 10, 2012

“I’m a smoky-voiced semi-retired actor trying to convince you that a real man buys a truck that’s always 3rd in its market.  Or maybe, cheap, mass-produced beer.  In either case, I want you to feel like less of a man if you don’t…or for women to see you that way”.

“Look!  I have polished lump of carbon on my finger!  He left untold hundreds or thousands of dollars at a Jared’s, and now he feels entitled to sex from me!”.

Santa apparently is based at Mercedes HQ, but has a day job with Chevrolet and a night job with Acura.

“See our imported pickup do something totally stupid and unnecessary to prove its toughness…but if you did any of this, your truck would likely die in minutes and we’d laugh your dumb ass our of the dealership for trying to get it fixed under warranty!”.

“Every kiss begins with…yet more polished carbon.  Women are expensive to please”.

“I’m a wiseass comedian and actor talking down to everyone like they were petulant children while explaining why this brand of truck is totally cooler than those other brands of trucks.  It’s the only job besides ‘Ice Age’ movies where I can’t drop f-bombs”.

“Spray this stuff on your body, and skinny, barely-dressed 19-22 year old women will attempt to molest you.  This wasn’t happening before because, let’s face it, you’re a smelly, ugly, waste of humanity without our spray/shampoo/etc”.

“How to use our alcohol in a 2-ingredient drink…because we think our customers are really thank stupid”.

“Here’s a cute little song that talks about Priuses (or Prii), without mentioning that they’re slow, boring to drive, and hybrid owners usually don’t trade in on another”.

“I don’t always drink beer…and with the money I make, it sure as hell isn’t Dos Equis anymore”.

“How to make a car: fail as a company for years.  Get bought.  Get sold.  Get bought again.  Fail even worse.  Declare Bankruptcy.  Get bought by FIAT.  Borrow their tech and chassis.  Drag up a forgotten old nameplate.  Pay Tom Brady to appear for 3 seconds”.

“Tonight on Keeping Up: a group of talentless attention whores and their cheating slut of a mother will continue to be employed because someone’s dumb enough to watch”.

“I’m Peyton Manning.  I’m making this expensive commercial with Papa John, a guy who’s complaining he can’t afford 14 cents added per pizza but lives in a castle on the coast and can afford TV time with me.  Oops, sorry, I mean I’m shilling this baby Buick that is worth less money than I make just tying my cleats on before a game.  Yeah, sure, I drive this rather than a Bentley, Ferrari, or Rolls.  Sure”.

“My boyfriend and I use the Trojan Whoopee-4-Me toy, and we got totally turned on by how much we’re making in this commercial!”.

Today, I want to take a moment and salute the passing of a spirit whose body still roams this Earth: Honda Motor Company.

Some may be confused by this, as Honda is still very much alive, selling Civics and Accords quite briskly, and the latter model has made yet another appearance on Car and Driver’s “10 Best” List…a list that seemingly saves a spot for the Accord each year. Any of us can easily visit our local Honda dealer, and see the usual complement of cars, minivans, and that awful attempt at a truck, the Ridgeline. Thus, it may seem that my toast is somewhat confusing.

To me, however, a Honda dealer is almost like witnessing an automotive version of some zombie apocalypse: the cars come in, the cars go out, but their souls have been missing for some years, now. The Honda I grew up knowing is seemingly dead, even as the company rolls on. The loss hits me strangely, as I always saw Honda as an opponent.

I’m admittedly nationalistic, a “buy American!” kind of guy that has been a fan of Ford Motor Company essentially my entire life. I loved cars from the get-go, and could identify makes and models of many vehicles even as I learned to read. I had my favorites, but was (and still am) curious about almost all of them…which means that I’ve spent untold hours reading magazines, books, and web content about the vehicles and the companies behind them. I’m a big fan of motorsport, as likely to be watching a NASCAR event as a Formula 1 race. I love the whole world of the automobile, and even the stories of brands competing with my favorite are interesting to me. I try to take it all in, to drive everything I can, and to pursue the bits of information all over the internet concerning my four-wheeled curiosities.

Honda was a delightfully scary opponent as I grew into my driving years. An ex-girlfriend of mine had a first-generation Honda Accord with a manual transmission not long after I got my first drivers’ license, and she didn’t really enjoy driving…so I did most of it. The car was almost a decade old and not well cared for, but it still was extremely fun to drive despite my love for big-engined American iron. I couldn’t deny the joy in flicking through the gears, feeling how agile the car was, and almost feeling guilt over much I looked forward to driving it. Shortly afterward, another romantic interest would lead to me driving her family’s brand-new (in the late 80’s) Accord, this one with pop-up headlights and improvements in every respect from the previous one I’d driven. Once again, I marveled at how GOOD it was, all around, and wished my beloved Ford Motor Company would build a “family car” with this kind of character. This trend would continue for some time.

Around the time I started driving, motor racing was increasingly televised and I could finally watch Formula 1 with consistency. In the mix with Ferrari, Renault, Lamborghini, Alfa-Romeo, and legendary Ford-Cosworth powerplants…there was Honda. In fact, in that time of 1000 horsepower turbocharged entries, Honda was quickly becoming seemingly mandatory for any hope of wins. In one year, the McLaren-Honda team won 15 of 16 races, crushing the opposition more brutally than anything I’d ever seen in motorsport. The same company that made front-wheel-drive grocery-getters fun to drive was also capable of bitch-slapping the motor racing world at the highest level. I wondered if Honda was going to do the same to the regular car market, as they obviously existed on a plane all their own, at least in terms of engineering.

I was right to be concerned. In the following decade, Detroit would be savaged in terms of quality and engineering compared to offerings from Japan and Germany. The luxury car market essentially moved up and away from American offerings, and the quality of Japanese cars/trucks was so well known that the Honda Accord and the Toyota Camry would be the top-selling cars in the country…trends that continue to this day. The Camry has been the car sales champ for years, the Accord usually not far behind, and the smaller offerings like the Civic and the Corolla were similarly dominant in their classes. Toyota became a juggernaut on its (somewhat questionable, it turns out) reputation for quality, while Honda was seen in similar light but with much more personality. The American press rarely recommended much else in its automotive columns, and Detroit retreated behind a wall of trucks and SUVs while trying to find a way to build cars to compete with “Cam-Cords”.

Fast-forward to today, and things have changed. The Camry is still the sales leader and the Accord usually close behind, but both Toyota and Honda have had staggering recalls in recent years while upstarts Hyundai and Kia have surged into the fight. Ford and General Motors have raised their respective games and truly offer competitive cars now, with (largely FIAT-owned) Chrysler in hot pursuit. Honda and Toyota are both out of Formula 1, and Toyota has worked with Subaru to bring forth a genuinely exciting pair of sports cars…giving Toyota (or at least its “youth brand”, Scion) a soul it has lacked for years. Mazda has become the face of “fun Japanese cars” with its “Zoom Zoom” mantra and cars like the MX-5 carrying it forward. In these wickedly competitive times, where is Honda?

Quietly selling well, but nothing like it was.

No Formula 1, much less presence in motorsport overall, and the vehicle line-up has seemingly been designed by Vulcans: brilliantly packaged, very capable, but with nothing like the previous feeling of fun that existed in the lineup. The Accord grew into a larger vehicle, technically becoming a full-size (rather than mid-size) car. The Civic sells well, but hasn’t been truly competitive in years. The Odyssey minivan is great for the boring life its built for, but does nothing to go beyond that. The Fit is possibly the single “spunky” car in the lineup, as the SUVs are good but forgettable and the horrifyingly ugly Ridgeline truck-type-vehicle carries its awful profile into light-duty mediocrity.

The Honda luxury brand, Acura, has similarly languished, essentially becoming a lineup of Accord-derived cars and SUVs that do little to separate themselves from their more modest roots.

There are strong rumors that Acura will soon have another NSX, a supercar with cutting-edge technology and performance that will breathe some life back into the lineup…but it can’t do the job alone. Honda was at its best when everything it made seemed to have a capacity for mischief, to be as utilitarian as anything in the market while bringing a grin when pushed on the right bit of twisty road.

So, I raise a glass to a fantastic opponent, one that lives but whose spirit hasn’t been seen for some time, now. Maybe it’ll find its way back into its body someday…but for now, Honda dealerships will look like an automotive realm of the undead to me. As much as I worried about them taking over, I miss the fun of the old enemy now that it’s seemingly gone.