Commercials Interpreted

December 10, 2012

“I’m a smoky-voiced semi-retired actor trying to convince you that a real man buys a truck that’s always 3rd in its market.  Or maybe, cheap, mass-produced beer.  In either case, I want you to feel like less of a man if you don’t…or for women to see you that way”.

“Look!  I have polished lump of carbon on my finger!  He left untold hundreds or thousands of dollars at a Jared’s, and now he feels entitled to sex from me!”.

Santa apparently is based at Mercedes HQ, but has a day job with Chevrolet and a night job with Acura.

“See our imported pickup do something totally stupid and unnecessary to prove its toughness…but if you did any of this, your truck would likely die in minutes and we’d laugh your dumb ass our of the dealership for trying to get it fixed under warranty!”.

“Every kiss begins with…yet more polished carbon.  Women are expensive to please”.

“I’m a wiseass comedian and actor talking down to everyone like they were petulant children while explaining why this brand of truck is totally cooler than those other brands of trucks.  It’s the only job besides ‘Ice Age’ movies where I can’t drop f-bombs”.

“Spray this stuff on your body, and skinny, barely-dressed 19-22 year old women will attempt to molest you.  This wasn’t happening before because, let’s face it, you’re a smelly, ugly, waste of humanity without our spray/shampoo/etc”.

“How to use our alcohol in a 2-ingredient drink…because we think our customers are really thank stupid”.

“Here’s a cute little song that talks about Priuses (or Prii), without mentioning that they’re slow, boring to drive, and hybrid owners usually don’t trade in on another”.

“I don’t always drink beer…and with the money I make, it sure as hell isn’t Dos Equis anymore”.

“How to make a car: fail as a company for years.  Get bought.  Get sold.  Get bought again.  Fail even worse.  Declare Bankruptcy.  Get bought by FIAT.  Borrow their tech and chassis.  Drag up a forgotten old nameplate.  Pay Tom Brady to appear for 3 seconds”.

“Tonight on Keeping Up: a group of talentless attention whores and their cheating slut of a mother will continue to be employed because someone’s dumb enough to watch”.

“I’m Peyton Manning.  I’m making this expensive commercial with Papa John, a guy who’s complaining he can’t afford 14 cents added per pizza but lives in a castle on the coast and can afford TV time with me.  Oops, sorry, I mean I’m shilling this baby Buick that is worth less money than I make just tying my cleats on before a game.  Yeah, sure, I drive this rather than a Bentley, Ferrari, or Rolls.  Sure”.

“My boyfriend and I use the Trojan Whoopee-4-Me toy, and we got totally turned on by how much we’re making in this commercial!”.

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